Do you or your partner regularly complain that the other is keeping them awake?
Have accusations of heavy snoring, tossing and turning too much, being ‘too hot’ or taking up too much space turned your bed into an emotional battleground?
If so, you’re most definitely not the only couple to go through this frustrating experience.
Time for separate beds
Three years ago, my partner and I decided that we would experiment with sleeping in separate beds. Our inability to sleep together was simply driving us both crazy.
It might seem like an unorthodox approach to sleep. But it had an instant and significant effect on the quality of our sleep and daily functioning.
As the one who’s the extremely light sleeper, it was my suggestion initially. Fortunately, my partner supported the idea, knowing that I often struggle to sleep when sharing the bed. And of course, my exaggerated grumpy position changes often keep her awake too.
It’s important to note that we still shared all the good things you can do in bed – we just cut out the bad parts.
A time for intimacy and a time for sleep
We decided that we still liked the idea of starting the night together in the same bed, and even kind of waking up together.
So each night we chose one bedroom (usually hers to warm the bed) and spent plenty of time together before turning the light off. We felt it was important to still share the intimate time at the end of the day, cuddle, read in bed and share funny cat videos.
When one of us started to drift off to sleep, the other would gently say goodnight and quietly move over to the other bedroom.
Then we ideally (it didn’t always work of course!) both got a great night’s sleep. And whoever woke up first would usually visit the other to say good morning – hopefully with a cup of coffee to accompany a morning cuddle.
For both of us, it was essential to share those moments at the start and end of the sleep period.
Why we did it
I often jokingly call myself a part-time insomniac, as I regularly cycle through periods of better and worse sleep.
I know what I need to do to keep my insomnia at bay. It’s just the actual doing it that isn’t always easy to keep on top of.
I know I’m ridiculously sensitive to noise, movement, and temperature at night. I’m also very tall (193 cm), so I need a lot of bed space to stretch out and feel comfortable.
And while my partner likes to sleep with thick covers and the heating on, I prefer thinner covers and an open window – even in the winter.
So there’s the issue of sensitivity, along with personal preferences for how the bed and bedroom should feel at night.
When I can’t sleep
I know I should be thoughtful, suffer in silence, and keep my insomnia to myself without disturbing my sleeping partner.
But at 4 o’clock in the morning, the rational and considerate parts of your personality are sometimes the only bits that appear to be asleep.
As any insomniac knows, it’s not so easy to lie peacefully in bed for hours on end, calmly meditating and lying still so as not to disturb your partner.
Change position. Reverse the pillow. What time is it now? Go to the bathroom. Make a drink in the kitchen. Let out a frustrated sigh. Turn your phone on. Read a book.
There are many ways one person sleeping badly can easily turn into two.
The positive side to separate bedrooms
We all know that life is just better when we sleep well. Okay, so a bad night here and there might not make such a noticeable difference. But an ongoing lack of sleep will trouble you in the short-term and punish you over the years.
These are some of the positive things I personally noticed in the months we slept in separate bedrooms:
- I sleep better and feel happier because of it, with more energy and a more positive outlook.
- I’m more productive and focused when I work.
- We both enjoy our intimate time even more.
- We don’t always just go to bed and read side by side until it’s time to sleep. We interact more and enjoy each other’s company.
- The moment of visiting or being visited in the morning is a wonderful thing.
- My partner doesn’t have to worry about keeping me awake without even knowing it.
- My partner sleeps better too, with the same positive effects along with it.
There are, of course, some downsides to sleeping apart.
We’d both love to be able to sleep together throughout the night, every night. I don’t think that it’s fundamentally better to sleep separately and everyone should do it.
At its core, the concept feels a little sad. Surely the right thing to do is sleep together?
It feels like it’s the ‘normal’ thing to do – even though a survey in 2015 by the National Sleep Foundation found that one in four couples sleep in separate bedrooms.
But I have to admit that it’s sometimes a struggle to say goodnight and leave both the physical and emotional warmth of my partner’s bed behind.
There’s also the issue of what happens when you don’t have the luxury of sleeping in separate bedrooms. When people come to visit, when you go to visit others, when you’re on holiday. Those are times you want to enjoy, not be worrying about a lack of sleep.
Three years later
We slept in separate beds for nearly two years – up until one year ago. What changed? We got an enormous king-sized bed, where we previously always had a queen.
(Don’t worry – this article isn’t about to turn into a sales pitch!)
The difference on paper didn’t seem that much, but actually the extra room has made a huge difference,
It now means we never fight for space, and our body temperature doesn’t affect the other so much. We can cuddle at first, then roll over to our respective sides and stay there, which is what we both naturally seem to do.
It’s also helped by the fact that the bed has dual zones. So we can both change the firmness on our own side. That’s great in itself, but it also has the added benefit of being designed to have great motion transference isolation. That means that if one of us is moving about a lot, the other doesn’t really feel it.
Admittedly, we went big here and got a very fancy bed, so it’s not an option everyone will be able to afford. But an alternative might be to put two full-size beds together rather than share a normal queen or king.
At the very least, I highly recommend getting a king-size bed if you don’t currently have one, and you have the space and budget for it.
If you search online, you’ll find several companies that make beds with dual zones. And you can find king size beds in many stores and online.
The backup bed
As much as we slept better in our own beds during our experiment, neither of us truly got used to the idea of not falling asleep or waking up together. It almost felt like a bit of a failure not to make it work somehow.
And that’s why I think it’s probably best to never give up on the idea of sharing the same bed again.
If you’re at the point we were, I think it’s a great idea to spend some time in separate beds just to get some decent sleep and properly recharge your batteries.
But I would perhaps see it as a backup option – if you have the space in your home to have a permanent second bed ready for when you need it.
And do try to get the biggest bed possible. Many companies allow trial periods of mattresses. So you could give it a go and then send it back if it’s not working out for you.
Do you already sleep in different beds, or are you seriously considering it? Let me know your thoughts below.